Can We Be Friends?
- Grace
- Jul 30, 2023
- 8 min read
In life, friends are the carefully woven threads that lend strength, beauty, & color to our experiences. They are the unsung heroes who stand by our side through life's highs & lows, sharing in our triumphs & offering solace during the storms; they are the silent confidants who share our triumphs & setbacks, the steady pillars of support during life's tempests; they are emotional lifelines, offering us a safe harbor to express ourselves authentically & without judgment.
Friends are compassionate listeners who lend an ear to our joys & sorrows, understanding the essence of what it means to be human; they provide us with a sense of belonging, reminding us that we are not alone in this vast world, & instill in us the courage to face life's uncertainties.
From childhood playmates to lifelong companions, friends play a profound role in shaping our journey & enriching our lives in ways beyond measure. But beyond being mere companions, friends serve a profound purpose in our lives; they are the lifelines that keep us afloat, the mirrors that reflect our true selves, & the catalysts for personal growth & self-discovery.
These are some characteristics that reflect the functions of friendship; however, they are unique & different for everyone.
I know that I, myself, have had a fair share of friends over the years: some good, some catastrophic ones.
Because of this, in honor of International Friendship Day, & due to National Friendship Month being celebrated in August, I wanted to investigate what are some qualities of a good friend.
What makes a friendship thrive? What makes a friend a beneficial one? Comment below or DM us your answers.
I have discovered that life is made of the people you have in it. The memories, meaningful connections, & social influences, all encompass & contribute to the wellbeing of individuals.
Due to this, I have made intentional efforts in the last few years to be wiser about my friendship circle; I have really analyzed the friendships I have, fostered the ones most important, & searched for new ones that have certain traits that I have learned are important to me.
While each & every friend is different, there are some key values that a “good friend” to me looks like. Therefore, I wanted to share with you all the aspects that have become important to me over the years.
Knowing aspects of what makes a fruitful friendship can help you navigate new ones as well as maintain current ones.
SIDE NOTE: I thought about writing a “red flags” of friendships article, but y’all—we could be here all day reading the mistakes I have made with friendships, so instead, I chose to do a more positive piece :)
Whether it's a causal acquaintance or your best friend, here are some of my 20 tips to look for (in no particular order):
1. A Friend With Integrity
Someone with integrity not only holds themselves to their own moral standards but holds their friends to their own as well. In my personal experience, a friend with integrity vs. one without it makes a night & day difference in our friendship dynamics.
2. A Dependable, Consistent Friend
For myself, having people in my life that I can genuinely count on is important. Some of the worst friendships I have had were me consistently showing up (physically or emotionally) for my friends, & the gesture was not returned. Having friends that are consistent & dependable is a character trait that you can never go wrong with.
3. A Friend That’s a Listener—not a Therapist.
Friends that listen—like actually listen to you—are unfortunately slim these days. More often than not, it is becoming more & more prevalent that friends, consciously or not, do not listen to who they're speaking to. Have you ever noticed that? Whether it's the hustle & bustle of life, distraction, or impatience, friends can often fall short of not truly being present & hearing their friend's thoughts. Having a friend that can listen & meet you where you are is a rare beauty. However, with that being said, a friend should not have to listen to one-way communication 24/7. Unless your friend is a certified therapist, know your friend is not your therapist. It is an ugly truth, but I think people fall into the trap of using their friends as their one & only outlet at all times. While an occasional or frequent vent session is great, be aware, so it does not become a one-sided, transactional friendship where the other friend can’t ever get a word in.
4. A Comical Relief Friend
What is better to spend life with those that make you laugh? Joy is a contagious feeling; one that often arises from a good laugh. Studies even show that laughing can seriously improve one's physical & mental health. Whether you are laughing with or at your friend, it is always good to have one that can make you chuckle; they are the laughter architects, skilled at conjuring smiles & shared moments of pure joy. Laughter, after all, is the sweet nectar that nourishes the soul, & with friends by our side, life's trials become a little lighter & the world a little brighter.
5. A Fulfilling Friend
Have you ever spent time with a friend & afterward felt completely & utterly drained—on more than a few occasions? In my experience, there’s nothing worse than feeling completely checked out every time you hang out with a friend. Remember that as easy as it is for friends to give you things (peace, joy, happiness, respect), it is just as easy for friends to take those from you, & your energy is one of them; spending time with people that make you feel good afterward is far better than the opposite. However, knowing that your friends do not complete or are your ultimate means of fullfillment is also important to know.
6. A Friend That Honors & Respects Personal Boundaries
I am a huge advocate for boundaries. Whether it's in a relational sense, occupational setting, or even a friendship, boundaries are something I prioritize. I used to have friends that would joke or even make fun of the boundaries I set for myself, & that’s not okay. When I did not have boundaries in my friendships, there were tons of internal issues that I battled that I will no longer compromise in friendships today.
7. A Friend with Individuality & Authenticity
I like having friends that are authentically themselves. When people start making friends, after a while sometimes, it can seem like the shared interests, hobbies, & characteristics of friends can mush together—making them seem like one individual. However, while compatibility is amazing, I like to have friends that embrace their individuality & encourage me to do the same in return.
8. A Kind, Genuine friend
You can never go wrong with a friend that speaks genuine kindness into your life. A kind word can go a long way in friendships.
9. An Honest Friend
Honesty is a non-negotiable for me with friendships. I have had friends that lie, betray the truth, & unapologetically refuse to be honest in the past, & that is no longer something I entertain. I am not saying honesty is easy; it’s not always, & that’s the point, but having a friend that will be honest, regardless of the situation or who’s at fault, is so incredibly necessary for me.
10. An Accepting Friend
I love a good friend who really sees me as I am & who I am. The acceptance of knowing you have friends that know & see you as you are, perfectly imperfect, is so liberating & freeing to have in a friendship.
11. A Forgiving Friend
I don’t know about y’all, but I need a friend that can speak in grace. Forgiveness is something that we all need at one time or another. Whether it's for a short-sided comment or a large mistake, it's amazing to be offered grace by your friends that forgive you for your shortcomings—big & small.
12. The Great Conversationalist Friend
The best friends I have had are the ones I can truly talk to about anything: random thoughts, serial killers, big questions, all of it. It’s great when you feel like you can gain wisdom & curiosity from having deep, soul-filling conversations with your friends.
13. The Reciprocating Friend
Reciprocation is huge for me in friendships, but this was not always the case. It took me years of having friendships that were purely one-sided to realize that friendships should be a balance of give & take. While it's not always a perfect equilibrium, it is better than being completely outweighed by a friend that does not reciprocate.
14. A Present Friend
Having a friend that can be attentive, present, & emotionally available is never a bad idea. Life is hard, & things get busy inevitably, but having a friend amidst this that is at the place where they can be available to you mentally is even better.
15. A Positive, Encouraging Friend
You cannot go wrong with a positive, encouraging friend. You know this because if you have ever had a friend that is the opposite, being more negative & draining, you come to find out how a good hint of praise from a friend feels.
16. An Accountable Friend
Having a friend that keeps me accountable is one I never want to lose. Whether it's keeping me accountable to my words, values, actions, or even to our friendship or other important aspects, I need accountability in my life. Vise versa: I need a friend that will be accountable for their actions & mistakes. We are human & are inevitably going to mess up, but having a friend that is aware of their own faults is incredibly important. Remember: a friendship is made of two imperfect people.
17. A Friend Who Prays
This might be a personal preference, but I need a friend that will pray with or for me. Faith is a huge part of my life, & I want to be able to share that with someone I am friends with as well as my struggles—faith-related or not. Consequently, I want to be able to ask for prayer, & pray for my friends in return: that our friendship be one of spiritual fellowship.
18. A Wise Friend
I don’t know about you, but I need a wise friend. All too often I get in my head about situations or circumstances, so having a friend that will speak wisdom into my situation, and give an outside perspective, is a blessing.
19. A Friend That’s a “Cheerleader”
A good friend to me can be a cheerleader, cheering me on in life; they celebrate & applaud our successes with unbridled joy. I have unfortunately had several friends that were the opposite of this—rooted in jealousy & turn, not really wanting what is best for me. Since then, I have decided that having a friend that cheers you on during your endeavors is so important.
20. A Mirroring Friend
Friendships are akin to mirrors that reflect our strengths, weaknesses, & growth opportunities. A good friend fearlessly holds up this mirror, encouraging self-reflection & personal development. In their eyes, we gain insights into ourselves that might have otherwise remained obscured, & together, we evolve into better versions of ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I value friendships that foster this. A good friend inspires us to be better versions of ourselves & encourages personal growth.
While all of these traits are ones I value & want in my friendships, an important note I want to highlight is this:
Become your own friend before you befriend another.
Friends are great & amazing characters in our lives, but an even more valuable secret I’ve learned is that you cannot be a good friend to someone else unless you are a great friend to yourself. I know it sounds cheesy, but sometimes, you will be the best friend you have ever had because you are never going anywhere. It is wise to be secure in yourself as a friend, so you know the type of friendship you deserve & consequently want to give to someone in return.
Here’s a quote about friendships that has always stuck with me about the revolving door that friendships exhibit at different stages in our lives:
Also, here’s some other research articles that discuss the importance of healthy friendships & what makes a good one according to different subjects:
Definitional friends types:
Quiz yourself:
Essential Traits:
Christian Related:
Godly friends:
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Thanks for reading friends,
Grace
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