The Art of Independence

Hello, everyone, and thank you for having me in your graceful space. My name is Tulsi Ram Lohani, and there is so much I could say about myself, but let’s keep it simple: I love doing stuff alone. That's a weird way to introduce myself, right? But it’s not, and the stigma around independence and overcoming our conditioned belief that every monumental or desirable experience in life must be sought with companionship is why I am here today.  

In Sanskrit, the native language of my South Asian heritage, my name means “one who cannot be measured or compared.” As I grew up and made my way to college, this idea of being immeasurable became a defining value that led me to embrace the art of independence. I learned to embrace myself and the many identities and confidence I have lost in the pursuit of experiencing life with others; it was essential to build myself up to something that cannot be measured or compared. 

The reality was I could only do that alone.

However, this concept of the fear of being independent is a phenomenon that has been around for a while. Research has indicated that people often hesitate to enjoy activities alone because of the fear of social judgment, especially when it is visible to others. One study in 2015 showed that people frequently avoided going to a movie or out to dinner alone because of the perception of others' judgment of being socially isolated. In the same 2015 study, researchers identified that the societal acceptance of these actions was deemed “legitimate” when done in companionship. But why is the legitimacy of our desires only resting in societal acceptance? Does anyone have the right to dictate any of our individual experiences? 

Reflecting on that research, I was thinking about this past summer when I had the incredible privilege of living in Carlisle, PA, and anytime I’d tell someone, they would always tell me: “You are 3 hours away from so many great cities; go!” But by my third weekend, I had spent more time rotting in my bed, scrolling through my list of friends in the area and giving myself reasons why I shouldn’t reach out to them. I think much of that was also rooted in fear, embarrassment, and not wanting to be alone. 

But then I found a reason to go: because I wanted to! So, with a dream, snacks, and a Dunkin’ latte, I made a day trip to the gorgeous Hindu Temple in Robbinsville, New Jersey. I’ll be honest with y’all: I was driving without even checking the weather that weekend, and to my surprise, it was pouring rain as I arrived! Who knew when I’d muster up the courage to return to New Jersey to visit again? As I was making the last turn into the parking lot, I was getting discouraged. 

But as I pulled up, the sun began to peek out, and I ran up through the massive parking lot and stared in awe. I was in awe of a giant structure as a boy from Texas, working in rural Pennsylvania, drove 3 hours by himself to see a temple of all things. But as with any monumental moment, wouldn’t you want to take a photo to remember it? I  had been trying to prop my phone up on a small pole when a woman approached me and offered to take it for me. She then asked me to take her picture and talked about how she was alone, as her daughter was at her summer class at Rutgers. I asked her why she didn’t wait for her daughter, and her response shocked me. “The sun wouldn’t wait for me, and I wanted to see the marble glimmer.”

Would you have waited for the sun? After all, don’t we all “wait” for the perfect moment, only to discover that it becomes perfect when we experience it authentically?

But as I recollect, we stepped into the welcome center and the courtyard, the sun began to shine, and the marble glimmered until I left the temple. I would have never had the time to see it otherwise had I not gotten up that day and told myself I wanted to go, regardless of who it was. After that day, I could recognize that my company was enough, and I didn’t need companionship to have a fun time. 

But while embracing independence is empowering, it’s important to remember that the art of independence and social connection are not mutually exclusive. Research shows that we are, in fact, becoming lonelier and more isolated as a society, which stresses the need for meaningful interactions with others. Spending time with friends and loved ones is essential for our well-being; it offers us emotional support, joy, and a sense of belonging that we can't find alone. I love my friends, family, and the people who pour into me as much as I do with them. But sometimes, I have to love from afar and take this time of independence to reset and return to the fray with the energy my friends and family deserve. 

Yet, I enjoy my alone time and the free will to have experiences without a companion. But for a long time, I needed to conform to the comfort of companionship and fulfill the social standards of friendships and happiness. That led to me having a lot of unrealistic expectations of people I continue to love, but I need to find a way to conform to this ideal of companionship. For that, I always seek the conviction and prayer to be forgiven and to ask for forgiveness as I work to become a better friend to others and myself. 

It is through the time I actively spend independently that I recognize my village. The people who love me, the people who support me, and the people who just help me get that A in stats! You recognize you aren’t truly alone, but that you have an incredible network of people around you. It is also when you recognize that your village may have some trojan horses lurking, waiting to attack. That is why this is important. 

Yet this path through faith and prayer was finding the key to healthy relationships with anyone: to be comfortable with ourselves first and the path to forgiveness. How can we demand authenticity from others when we don’t have it within ourselves? By enjoying our company, we become more confident, self-assured, and less reliant on others to validate our values and way of life. This balance of self-assuredness allows us to show up as our authentic selves in social settings, making forming genuine connections with others more manageable and the path to apologize, learn, and move forward in instances we fall short. 

However, the solution isn’t about an extreme switch from independence to companionship: It’s about finding a balance in nurturing our independence to bring our best, most whole selves into our friendships and social interactions.  But it is crucial in mastering this art not to isolate yourself and let it hurt your social skills. Isolation is the fuel to insecurity, hatred, and resentment - all of which lead to troubling instances of violence and anger in our public discourse. Perhaps if we took care of ourselves in private, we would care for others in public.

Going through college, especially at a smaller private institution at SMU, is hard to learn and accept forgiveness because every day is a new challenge we’ve never faced before. I felt compelled to write this piece about the art of independence because I didn't know how to be alone for a long time in my SMU experience. 

I didn’t want to be alone. 

When I was, I was broken, and that led to some of the most painful conversations of my time here. But I choose to turn that pain and grief into lessons of forgiveness—to myself. After all, we can’t dictate an interaction because we can barely control ourselves. But through these guided principles and my reflections on learning the art of balancing our need for companionship and grace, we can all find a way to be better people. 

So, you don't need someone if you want to go to that concert, that botanical garden, or the coffee shop you saw on social media. Enjoy yourself, have fun, embrace the moment, and take it forward in the relationships around you. Giving yourself the time and space to process your thoughts alone is an art form we can all master. It’s about finding solace in independence, confidence in our choices, and peace in our presence. 

It’s about accepting that we don’t need to be measured by anyone else’s standards. 

We are enough, just as we are.

Just as you are. 

Tulsi Ram Lohani is a Senior at Southern Methodist University, studying Journalism, Political Communications & Public Affairs, and Public Relations & Strategic Communications. A proud brother, uncle, son, and friend - Tulsi has called Dallas his home for most of his life. As an infant from Nepal, he immigrated to the United States and has taken his middle-class roots to bring change to his community. He has served under two State Representatives, worked on two Congressional campaigns, and worked on the Hill and for Fortune 500 companies, using his skills to lead non-profit organizations to historic margins to achieve youth voter empowerment and civic engagement goals. After graduation in May 2025, he is excited to explore the art of communications and politics through higher education and corporate paths.