Tickets to My (Almost) Downfall
- Jonathan
- May 16, 2023
- 6 min read
Hey readers —
Welcome back to A Graceful Space. I am so grateful to have you on my site!
I am especially happy you’re here to witness me fail to properly introduce this next guest-author on the blog because it is quite impossible to articulate how much this person means to me.
He’s my friend, my jokester, my-hype man, & my constant reminder to always give myself grace when I need it most.
Jonathan has been instrumental in supporting me alongside my journey in starting the blog, always quick to give me encouragement & quell my doubts or insecurities. Everyone needs a friend like this in their life because I am so appreciative of mine.
Jonathan, as you will read, has an incredible story to tell about his experiences with his mental & physical health, sobriety, addiction, & faith. In honor of National Mental Health Awareness Month in May, I knew he’d be the perfect person to write this article, and I want y'all to welcome his vulnerability & transparency of writing his own story.
So let’s begin :)
Jonathan:
(Lights, Camera, Action)
My Spiral Downhill....
That’s how I used to view my life for the past couple of years, putting on an act every waking moment; I used to put on a show every day pretending like I was someone that I was not. I tried to fit the mold of being the stereotypical frat guy, drinking, partying, & flirting 24/7.
A typical day of my life during my first semester sophomore year looked like this:
I would wake up most likely hungover from the night's prior events full of regret & remorse for what I did the prior night.
I would often skip my morning classes in anticipation for another night of heavy partying.
Then after sleeping for most of the day, I would wake up late in the afternoon ready for the night's festivities.
The night would come, & on started the binge drinking & poor decisions.
I would live my life like this for some months, in the same unsustainable cycle to the point where other people became concerned & got my parents involved.
Under the influence I would say things I didn’t mean & hurt those that care about me most, that is my biggest regret.
Etc. etc. etc.
However, it took extenuating circumstances for me to realize that was the antithesis of the person I am & truly rise to my full potential, deciding to change for the better.
But before my long road to recovery, I had to reflect on where the root of these problems stem from, seeking to find their genesis.
It all started during my senior year of high school; I was uncomfortable with myself & had little to no confidence or self worth. I decided that when I got to college I was going to become a new person: a person that exudes confidence wherever they go. I became that person, however, I let that person take control of my life. That person decided it would be okay to drink too much, doing everything under the sun imaginable to the point where it became a problem.
I call that artificial confidence. I started going by a different name (JJ), doing things that I normally wouldn’t do, all just to fit in; I was always the oddball throughout my childhood & young adulthood, so I wanted to try something different. I, therefore, reinvented myself in an effort to create a blank slate. Little did I realize that this would become my downfall.
Now I am not going to lie.... there were some aspects of this new & improved me that were good. The boldness that I had for one would make nothing scare me, but eventually, my artificial confidence kicked in & ended up biting me in the rear; it was based on external factors such as how I was regarded by other people, which was a literal recipe for disaster. It wasn’t until my life became a literal emotional roller coaster when I realized that something needed to change.
I would like to say after my parents got involved the first time that things were peachy afterwards, but they weren't. I got into therapy, went sober for a while, & then once I thought I was "ready", I moved back into the same destructive environment that caused me to make poor decisions. Sometimes that happens.
Have you ever made some serious personal changes but failed due to the environment or community surrounding you that caused bad habits to resurface?
I was fine for a while, but then the same demons I thought I got rid of during my time away began to show their ugly faces once again; I reentered the same toxic cycle that got me in trouble the first time, but this time the consequences were much worse.
I started lying about my habits & was in denial of what I was doing to myself. Then I finally had one huge episode that damaged my closest friendships along with my reputation.
After my many screw ups, I began to think that there must be a reason why I felt the way that I did. I decided to go get a psychiatric evaluation & found out that I am Bipolar & also have Borderline Personality Disorder. To make things short, I’m basically a little ticked off in the head lol—just kidding. But these mental disorders mixed with binge drinking were a formula for destruction.
I made many poor choices, & the guilt I still feel is unimaginable. However, my biggest regret of all is hurting those that cared about me. I was in denial of not only my problems but most importantly of who I was; whom my loved ones knew I could be.
I now embrace that these disorders are a part of me because they make me no different or less valuable than anyone else. In fact, I have a new perspective in which I view them as a gift—a friend even. I feel as if I was blessed with them along with my troubled past in order to help people who may be struggling with negative emotions.
Throughout my many mistakes, I was able to find the real me. Although it took me almost losing everything I have worked for in order to come to this conclusion, I would do it all over again to get to where I am today. I went from being a student just barely making it, only sifting through life depressed, to someone who is proud, confident, & secure in themselves with internship offers to multiple prestigious firms in the finance field.
How ironic is it that ever since I started living in that truth, multiple doors & opportunities have opened up for me? I’ve received internship offers from top firms, made new connections, & I’m slowly rising to the top in order to become my best self.
I can now say I have learned my lesson about artificial confidence. It took me losing everything & going through many trials & tribulations to realize that I cannot be a false version of myself & rely on others to provide me with a sense of self worth & validation. I drank because I didn’t see a way out for myself. I was living in a lie & not being my true & authentic self. I did not actually love myself, I only loved the character that I played every day.
I now realize that sobriety was not a one-time decision for me but an everyday choice.
I want to also recognize that I would not have been able to turn my life around if it wasn’t for finding my identity through Christ, the support of my family, & especially the support of my best friend who continually shows me grace. Thanks to God, my parents, my best friend, & a solid support system, I was finally able to break my toxic cycle. I learned to be who I truly am & to love myself for being simply & fully myself.
Do you have a community, group, or God that has done the miraculous in your own life?
Fortunately, I had one amazing friend that showed me Grace & they were able to forgive me & help me get my life back on track.
I now have true confidence, a sense of self, & clarity of who I am. If you’ve ever struggled with any of the aforementioned, I’d love to connect with you. You can reach out to me at: jamisonj20660@gmail.com
You’re not alone.
Finally, if I can leave you with one thought, it would be to never lose yourself amongst cultural norms. If you’re considered an oddball like me, embrace it. It’s what makes you odd that is your gift. Learn to love what makes you uniquely you, & you will become the best version of yourself. It’s a long path with many winding roads, but nothing worthwhile is easy to accomplish.
Link to some (not all) mental health resources:
Teens:
Suicide Hotlines:
Substance Abuse:
General:
Christian/Faith Related:
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